I'm Just Trying to Stick to a Routine

This is the fourth draft I am writing in the past couple of weeks, so let’s for the sake of my sanity, hope this is the one that actually makes it. Hi, it’s Itohan again. I’ve been writing this particular newsletter edition over the course of a couple of weeks and I have deleted every version I have attempted to write. I say attempt because nothing made sense to me. It felt devoid of myself while at the same time being too personal. I wondered if all the time being ill and not putting pen to paper had made me forget how to write. Or maybe, because I had been so far away I wanted to make a comeback that spoke of a brilliance I try to deceive myself that I have. Either way, I’m stressed. Not just about this, but about many more things. Walk with me? We have somewhere we’re going to.

I’ve been sick. Like, yeah, I’m already mentally unstable, but my physical health has been whacking me left and right. I had seen the signs that something was wrong somewhere, but I kept “powering through” (When will I learn to stop doing this?) I powered to the point that my body had nothing left to use to fight and I landed in the hospital for a few days. Hospital food was great, but being poked, watching the blood leave your body, feeling the medication flow through your veins and cause you pain. Yeah, those things were very not fun. You’d think I’d be grateful for the opportunity to rest, but I got so sick of it. I like having things to do, and when I don’t have things to do, I get weird. When my routine breaks, I have to deal with fire and brimstone to bring it back to life.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a strict routine, but I have things that need to be done at certain times. Things that I make space for in my day but have not attached time to. I know that I will take my walks at night, work in the morning and eat at some point. It’s a flexible plan that allows me to do things without pressure on myself. Then you switch from that to being forced to sleep. To medication that knocks you out and takes away your ability to do things for yourself. You’re recovering but your routine you have created is suffering. God, my routine is suffering. You’ve not even accounted for the fact that you have more people than usual checking in because you're ill. You’re dealing with mental exhaustion and the physical one to boot. I’m tired all the time and I can’t even seem to do anything about it. My brain is foggy, my body is heavy and my heart is aching because it sees me breaking, but I power through. I take the damned medication and eat my food and sleep when my body asks of it, because I really do not want to go back to the hospital.

It feels like every time I start to make life make sense, something comes in and snatches it all out of my hands. One minute I’m getting used to a pattern of behaviour and the next everything is just going up and down. I was used to being single and now I’m still single but someone texting or not texting me can change the course of my day. I was used to being unemployed but now I have a boss to report to and documents to make. I was used to being on my own but my friends have said none of that so I have to live life. I’m tired of everything just constantly changing without giving me a heads-up. It’s tiring. How do people do it? Just navigate a life that keeps spinning on its own? Or am I God’s strongest soldier and everyone’s life is pretty fucking stable?

When I told Hassan I didn’t like the newsletter, they told me to write it like that. So here I am, writing it like that. Telling you that routines can only work for as long as they can because something will swoop into your life and scatter whatever perfectly curated plan you have. My wish is to be able to handle these things as swiftly as they come. However, I am learning that not everything has to be handled with speed. I will take it one step at a time and ask my friends to do things for me when my body fails me (she fails me a lot. I am currently fighting sleep as I type). I am taking all the lessons I have learnt in trying to build all my former routines and I am putting it to use in creating the new one. The phase I am in now calls for more than planners and timers. It asks that I listen to my body and that I sleep. I am spending time with my friends and puttingas much energy as I can into things. I am sick, and I should work with that in mind. I don’t have the physical energy to be doing stunts, so I rest and I hope you learn to rest too. Especially when your body is screaming for it. Hospital wards aren’t fun. Trust me, I’ve spent too much time in one these past couple of weeks.

Bottoms (Movie)

The only movie I was this excited to watch was Barbie. Before I landed in the Emergency at the hospital, I watched Bottoms. Do you know how stressful watching a comedy is when any sudden movement gives you a headache? I almost died, but I’d have died extremely happy. I love satirical comedies. The humour was ridiculous, the concept and plot and everything in between changed my life. I love dorks and I love bottoms and I wish I could give y’all some in-depth analysis on the movie but walahi, nothing. The women are gorgeous, the acting was great, it is gay as fuck, and the humour landed me in the hospital because I laughed myself into a fever. 10/10 what more do you want?

So here’s your babe, signing off from Krispy Kreme in Herbert Macaulay while my wife is right beside me and I try to stop her lactose-intolerant self from consuming any dairy. If you want to see me again, subscribe.