I'm Just Trying My Best

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been experiencing insane writer’s block. Not that I didn’t know what to write, but nothing felt right. I had two drafts I had to delete because they both felt so fake? Unreal? Foolish? I don’t know the word for it, but I know I didn’t like it. I don’t think I’ve overcome writer’s block, but I know something happened to me to make me write. So, let’s break it down.

I’ve been struggling. For the past couple of weeks, I’ve had to fight spiritual, physical and emotional battles. I fell terribly ill and almost couldn’t finish my clearance, but two days before I was to leave Benin, I got it done. I call it “bad bitch goings with a lot of God’s grace”, but you can call it whatever you want.

Falling ill made me realise I took much of my health for granted. I had been experiencing body pains and feeling faint but I tried to power through it. That’s been the theme of my life: Powering through it. With all the instances where I have crashed and burnt, you can tell that hasn’t been working out too well. I had a job I was working on that I really loved and I got fired. Why? Because I was struggling and instead of asking for assistance, I swore to power through it so I don’t lose the job. Funny that I still lost it aye?

I’m still not okay. Physically, mentally and all the other “lly” that you can think of, but I keep trying my best. One thing I’ve learnt and I’m hoping you learn from me and my many mistakes is that trying your best does not mean doing it alone. I know I’ve been shouting about asking for help and I’m sure you’re wondering when I actually start taking my own advice, but I promise you I’m trying. Just this week, I was in a bind (not the kind I like) and I asked someone to help me out. I didn’t die, so hopefully I’ll do it more often.

I started a new job in September and hopefully, I won’t lose this one because of my struggles. I’m learning I have an abundant resource of people who will make sure I am okay and I’m working on tapping into that. Anyway, the job is great so far because they’re letting me do the things I want. My “ideas” don’t seem so ridiculous and the hours are flexible. Also, I don’t write every day and there’s nobody telling me to get a certain amount of views weekly. I feel like for the first time in a while, I have a job that allows me to breathe. Fingers crossed they don’t fuck me up and I come back here screaming and crying. If not? Wahala for me and mines.

With all the newly acquired free time I have, I want to remind myself I am a creative writer. I realised a long time ago I don’t write as much fiction because I’m scared people will not value it as much as I do. Those are parts of my soul and what do you do when you give someone your soul and they say no? I don’t want to find out, but I have to. In my bid to write more, I created an Iko profile. Iko is a digital platform for African writers to connect them with the readers they need and other writers. Me thinks you should create an account too and maybe follow me. Who knows, you might read fiction from me much sooner than we all think.

Now, on to what prompted me to write this newsletter. I was talking to someone and I think they’re someone I want to see in a romantic context. I’ve not figured out the specifics yet, but it’s there. Anyways, they asked me if I was over Hassan yet and I laughed. I am over them. Not in the “I will never speak to them again” way but in the “I recognise that this relationship would never have worked” way. They’re a much nicer friend to me than they were as a romantic partner and I am leaning into the friendship and have closed off the possibility of being with them romantically. I only tell them that as a joke. I have sense, please.

People tend to not believe me because of how dramatic I was when we broke up, but I have a system for healing and it includes screaming, crying, throwing up and acting like my world wants to end. I’ve always been a drama queen, so of course there’ll be a little drama in everything I do. It’s just how I am. I’m just a girl trying her best. Let’s hope the person buys what I’m selling because if not, I go explain tire. No evidence.

Shiva Baby (Movie)

With all the hype around the Bottoms movie, I decided to check out other projects that Emma Seligman had directed and that led me to Shiva Baby. Shiva Baby is a movie about a girl who has a sugar daddy and ends up running into him at a funeral. Her ex-girlfriend is also at said funeral and so is her sugar daddy’s wife she did not know he had. It was a mess of events that never really got a solution. My favourite thing about it is how the camera pans to show what it must be like from the POV of various characters. It felt so real and genuine that I forgot they were acting and I thought I was attending the Shiva with them as well.

I love stories about female characters whose lives are absolute messes because that’s exactly how my life is. It is an absolute mess, but we’re all just girls trying our best, Are we not?

I want to try this thing where I sign off? I let you know where I am writing from to show you how I never really sit down in one place. On that note, this newsletter was written from my new office in Anthony. Cheers and till next time.