I'm Just a Hypocrite

Hi, did you miss me? So, I know I wrote a lot of things about how that might be the end, but here I am again, unable to shut up. I missed you, a lot. I kept thinking about you, so I sprung up like your favourite ex when you get into a new relationship. Anyway, let’s talk about why I left and why I'm back.

I left because life was showing me so much pepper, it almost set me on fire. I was hella afraid and battling so many degrees of doubt, I decided to stop everything and remind myself how to breathe. Then, during one of my evening calls with T, they called me a hypocrite. That I’m always posturing as this babe that’s so full of hope and joy, but here I am not listening to the things I help people with. I guess it kinda helped snap me back into reality. I started talking to myself more and listening to what I had to say, then I realised a lot of what I had to say was negative so I started listening to what my best friend hadto say. I won't lie and say I've been listening to everything she says because make I no lie give you, I'm not seeing that light at the end of the tunnel, but until the casket company I ordered my casket from delivers, you're stuck with me. So let's give a little life update.

I'm six months into my NYSC. I'm actually shocked I committed to the bit for this long, but six down and five more to go. Unlike most people who swear NYSC is the worst experience of their life, I actually enjoy it. Maybe it's because my CDS people aren't all that bad and I'm making new friends. I talk to them and listen to their stories on a weekly basis. They interest me. Sometimes, I even spend time with some of them outside CDS. Sure, it's one of those things where we just go somewhere to hang afterwards, but I can tolerate them enough for that, and that's a win in my book.

Heck, I enjoyed CDS so much they made me a sergeant at arms. Honestly, I think it's a title that doesn't make too much sense, but they saw me and saw my behaviour and decide to give me title. Unfortunately, the position doesn't come with an actual gun, but it exists and it sometimes is the reason I come home late.

I started going to the gym and swimming, but then I stopped because it wasn't fun and because I'd rather play a sport. However, life has been showing me a little bit more shege than I planned, so I've not even been able to start that either.

I got a permanent driver's license from the Federal Road Safety Commission. I'm adding the full title so you'll know I'm not anybody's mate. Sure, I've scratched a couple cars and I've bashed my car a few and even had issues with law enforcement from LASTMA to Police to VIO, but I'm still here so nothing do me o jare.

I'm not a completely bad driver, I just have my little moments. It also doesn't help that when you're driving in Lagos you have to share the road with Korope, keke, Danfo, dispatch rider and even bicycles. What the hell??? Everyone is just a little bit mad and if I had a dollar for every kerfuffle I had to deal with, I'd have enough to order the pink casket I want to be buried in. One thing I have learnt, is to have patience. Another thing I've learnt is that nobody has the monopoly of madness. Know when your brain should touch and know when it shouldn't. Also, if you're thinking of starting your Lagos driving journey, don't. If you are strong headed and want to start anyway, stick around. I may be dropping some tips and tricks and hints and hacks and whatever it is these people say.

I also recently started learning this thing called “creating boundaries” and cutting off people who have shown you time and time again that they do not rate you. That's why when I was sick and sending snaps, I deleted the people who viewed my snaps of me in the hospital without checking in. I was fighting for my life, a simple “hope you're okay” would have sufficed, but we move. I'm learning that it's okay to let people go when you've given them enough chances to prove why they should stay. Scissors time came early for me this year. Hallelujah! I don't think I have what it takes to be questioning my worth in people's lives, especially people I've gone above and beyond for. Much love and all to them, but get the fuck out.

Eli is back. Gosh, I know it's ridiculous because we broke up a hundred years ago and two other people have come after them, but Eli is Eli and my bestie thinks they're just one of those people I'll always find my way to. To be fair, we did date for over 2 years. If you include the time we spun the block, it'll be 3 years. We've been friends for 5 years this year and that's not something someone just throws away yunno? Anyways, if I keep writing this newsletter, you might see a bit more of them. Don't shout, don't make noise. It's just what it is.

My mental health is still doing what it's doing. I keep saying I'm going to go back to therapy and maybe go on meds, but I don't think I can. I'm battling principalities and powers greater than me. I'm trying to hold on, but it's hard. I may be extremely self-aware but I'm still struggling with some of the same things I've been struggling with since I started this newsletter. That's because awareness doesn't always come with solutions. I'm trying to solute but life mehn… It is well o. God will see us through in this Nigeria.

I was talking to my best friend recently, about how hard everything is. You're trying to work but they're barely paying you enough to survive. On top of that, you're not even enjoying your job. You're trying to do romance but you're too broke for the kind of things you want or you're doing long distance or your relationship is topsy-turvy. You want to spend time with your friends but they're scattered all over the world or too busy trying to make money or just focusing on other aspects of their life that doesn't involve you. The distractions you indulge in take your mind away from the fact that life is shit has started to cost too. I saw the price of Fox cookies recently and I screamed. Then, your family is doing what family does. They're talking about Masters or getting a new job or something that reminds you that your life is at a standpoint. At a point, it feels like everything is working against you and there's no room to breathe. What do you do then? I have two options. You go back, or you go through. Either I power through all the principalities and powers, or I send myself back to God. Either way, we will leave where we are.

So, let me be the first to validate your feelings. It's not just you. The system is rugged and things are changing at a pace you can't control. Your brain might not see it now, but it's the truth. So whichever of the options you choose? Valid as fuck.

I've been drinking a lot more. It's not good, I know, but being sober is not great either. My problems don't exist when my body doesn't remember how to walk, or do they? Lmao. Like I said, I'm here to validate you. You think nobody gets it? Walahi, I get it. I get the feeling of hopelessness, the loss, the pain, the tiredness, the expectations. I'm a sneeze from crying at any point of the day. I get you like mad, but it's a day at a time. At least that's what the people say.

Do you know why all of this vexes me so much? I'm literally just a girl. I'm going to be 23 in a couple months, I shouldn't be stressing about what courses to apply to that'll allow me to leave the country or trying to get 4 jobs so I can afford to eat out with my friends on a Friday. I should be doing road trips with my nearest and dearest, staying in a studio apartment and slugging it but having fun. I should be a columnist in a women's magazine where I complain about life and life problems and give advice to other women on how to life. I should be sipping cocktails in bikinis on a beach with my girlfriends while we talk about love and sex. I should be having fun, but I'm not. That's why I'm so sad.

The silent clause about being just a girl? It's the fact that I'm just a girl in Nigeria. I'm just a girl that has a plethora of mental illnesses. I'm just a girl who's so damn tired of fighting every day of her life. So yeah, I'm a hypocrite, but honestly, how else will I survive?

Well, that's all for today. Catch you next time, or not? Either way, I'm signing out from the right side of the bed of my room in my grandma’s house. Why am I specifying the side? It's because I use mtn and it has decided that at this point in time, network in my room will only be available on the right side. Oh joy!

If you're just a girl too or you want to understand the inner workings of one, subscribe, or don't. The choice is yours.

I want to start this thing where I share life hacks that I've gathered as I've grown older. Older might be a day or two years, but na age I age, I no kill person.

My growing older life hack of this newsletter is that we should have a sheets or note or however called “Life Hack”. Use it to document anything that has happened to you. From what you enjoyed in a restaurant to what you did that helped you pass a test. Anytime you try something that worked or didn’t, WRITE IT DOWN. Also, make sure it is somewhere you can search for keywords because if your memory is bad, this thing might save you.

Suze: Movie 

I watched this movie with T while I was in the hospital and it was really enjoyable. I like how it showed that community can come from the most unexpected places.

Susan is a divorced mum of 1. Her daughter, Brooke is her whole world and was dating Gage, a boy Susan has deemed a loser. Now, with her daughter graduating high school and going off to college, she advices her to break up with Gage. What she didn't expect was for the daughter to actually do it or for Gage to try to commit suicide after. Gage's dad who is a piece of shit then drops Gage off with Susan for her to look after him. What happens when this perimenopausal mom spends a couple of weeks with her daughter's “loser'“ ex boyfriend? Well, you just gotta watch it to find out.

Now, I love a good movie about a strained mother and daughter relationship, but I wasn't prepared for how much of a piece of shit Brooke actually is. Anyways, I loved the movie so much and it really made me feel a lot better while I was on admission in the hospital. You should watch it.