Hey, do you know I haven’t sent a newsletter since last year? That is crazy. Especially because I am writing this one almost at the end of January. What was I doing with my life? Well, for one, I was having multiple breakdowns simultaneously. I mean, is it really the start of the year if you are not fighting feelings of failure and worthlessness? I also started my NYSC community development service. This means that every week, I adorn myself in my green khaki and white shirt and tackle the Lagos public transportation system to go and hustle for my 33k. I have a car but do I drive? Of course not. I have a license but am I using it? What do you take me for? An adult? Actually, the reason I don’t drive is that I’ve been too lazy to renew my car insurance, but hopefully, I get that sorted before February ends. I MUST DRIVE.

One thing I’ve struggled with for the longest and I am trying to work on is having a routine and saving money. The way I have decided to combat the routine part is by going to the gym. So while I do CDS once a week, I visit the gym four times a week. Am I trying to lose weight? No. I want to be strong enough to fight my evil exes. Also, because I want to challenge T to a fight and actually win. Anyways, how is that routine working out for me? I can’t tell you for certain because it is still a work in progress but progress it is. As for saving money? T will tell you that I am improving. I’m actually trying to have a budget, savings, investments and other big girl things. I am trying my best and planning the money I have, but one thing I can never fully account for is Nigeria. No matter how much you plan and how many estimates you create, Nigeria will find a way to remind you that “man proposes but Nigeria disposes”. You ask yourself daily “how am I making more, trying to spend less, but still barely keeping myself alive?”

After a million and one breakdowns on the state of my life and trying to remind myself that I am just 22, I learnt something very powerful. I won’t take all the credit for this because having T as a support system has really helped me to look beyond the situation I find myself, but I restrategise. A lot.

While at CDS, a woman told us that for every decision we want to make, we should have a backup for our backup and that has saved me more times than I can count. Sure, you want to win the prize money from some competition you entered so you can pay your rent, but also apply to three or four other competitions that may not give you the money in bulk, but half bread is better than the small three hundred naira jam doughnut I bought today. In other words, you may not get what exactly you want or what you feel you need, but there will always be another way. The new way may be harder, may take longer, may require for you to reach out and beg people, but it is still a way. The only way there will never be another way is if you’re dead.

It’s just January, but the universe has thrown and scattered every single fucking plan I had for myself. It has taught me that you may never get that which you want right now, but there will always be an alternative that can hold you down till you can get to where you need to be. There’s something I thought I wanted more than anything else in the world. I sat down and calculated the cost and it was almost two million naira. I cried. I crode. I crew. Then, I told myself there had to be another way and three mental breakdowns later, I found one. It cost way less than that and I’ll still be happy. One day, I’ll get the first one, but for now, the second will do. Having this mentality won’t stop you from falling to the floor and screaming in defeat because it feels as though your ancestors are mocking you as you suffer, but it is important to remember it can be better. In fact, it is not just important, it is necessary.

Being an adult is one of the biggest mistakes I had made in my life. When I was 17 and entering into adulthood, I had so many hopes and dreams. I knew where I wanted to be at 23, and even though I am not there yet, I am a lot closer than I could have been. 17 year old me did not think the price of fuel would ever get to over 700, but that’s the reality 22 going to 23 year old me has to deal with, but she like you, shows up for themselves every day. We choose ourselves because we know there is always another way. T calls me Little Ms optimism and maybe I’m hoping my words work like fairy dust and sprinkle a little more optimism into your day.

No matter what stage you are in your life, I am extremely proud of you and you should be proud of yourself too. There were so many times you said to yourself “I will not survive this”, but you did. So many times with tears in your eyes you had murmured “God, please” or “God, how”. You have broken down because the initial way you had planned did not work out, but true to you, you found another way. It is exhausting being so resilient all the time, but you have to be. Either you pick yourself up after it crashes or you use whatever strength you have to ask someone to pick you up. To hold you until you can steady yourself, until you remember what it is like to walk on your own two feet. So, no matter where you are or whatever decision you have to take that feels “this way or no way”, it’s not true. The only dead end happens when you’re dead. You’ll be fine. I believe so. Deep deep down, you know so too. So, cry, weep, break things and scream. Then when you get it all out, you’ll find another way. Your mind and heart will open and it will be fine.

The first newsletter of the year is brought to you from my room in my grandma’s house. I’m eating a spicy chickwizz my friend, B bought for me and in this moment, there is a lot to be grateful for in life.

Fun fact: I wrote this newsletter on the 25th but I sent it out on the 31st because I was just too lazy.

Celebrity (K-Drama)

I've been watching a lot of K-dramas recently. In fact, I've been watching only K-dramas recently. Maybe it's because T loves them and I do anything they love, or maybe it's because I'm a creature of habit and once I start something, I just stick to it. Whatever the reason, it's led me to some really amazing shows and one of them is Celebrity.

Yunno, I've always wondered what it's like to be an influencer. What goes on behind the scenes and all the pretense that goes into it. I don't know if Celebrity is an accurate depiction, but it felt somewhat real. The drugs? Lies? Scandals? Murder? Phew, I can't with it. Plus, the numerous plot twists that made my heart keep beating faster than it should? I was a mess. At numerous points I had to stop the drama and take deep breaths.

Anyways, the drama follows the life of Seo A-ri our protagonist and morally grey character. It shows us how she went from basically being a nobody to attaining social media fame almost overnight. However, such success doesn't come easy and there are many people unhappy with her and her fame. It's on Netflix if you're curious enough to see what it's about.