I Just Dey Craze Dey Go

You might think that with all this time I spent away from this newsletter, I’d have taken the time to figure out an intro. Habibi, you couldn’t be more wrong. It’s 2025 and we’re still having intro issues, but that just shows I’m consistent. Right? My name is Itohan, even though I also go by Es now (I dey rebrand), and welcome back to my newsletter. This is the first edition of 2025, so we have a lot to catch up on. Shall we?

I’m going to try to break this newsletter into a couple of segments. That way, I don’t forget all the things I have to say. However, before we go into that, there’s something I really want to talk about. Well, not something, but someone. Her name is Ada and I’ve nicknamed her project 2026. I think the year was 2023 and I had just announced I was done with newsletters (again). I was thinking of quitting and I was ready to run away from life in general. After the announcement was made, I got a message request on Twitter and it was this woman crashing out in my dms about how she doesn’t understand why I’d give up the newsletter and asking me what I expect her to do with her life now that I’ve stopped. I was amused, touched, delighted and all the other wonderful adjectives. Because of her, I made the decision to never stop writing for long. I told myself that if nobody wanted to hear anything I had to say, Ada did. We’ve been texting since then and honestly, if not for the fact that she’s so far away, I’d have asked her to be my girlfriend. Very few people make my heart feel as good as Ada does and you know the love is serious because I’m calling her by her government—no nickname, no pretense, just honesty and her. Crazy right? Yeah. Insane. So, this first newsletter is dedicated to her. For the laughs, the compliments, the support, and for being a gigantic motivation. I just wanted to put it into writing. The love is 100% romantic and it may never become a full fledged relationship, but she’s mine and in a way, I’ll always be hers. Now, to the rest of the business we have to discuss.

Let’s start with where we left off, shall we? Last year, I promised not to put too much tension on myself and to try to have attainable goals and omo, I think I may have relaxed a bit too much. It’s just June and I’ve already changed jobs twice. Once because of something beyond my control, and the other time because of something I don’t think I’d ever feel comfortable discussing. It’s not because I’m so rich and I am comfortable enough to decide to not have a stable source of income, but because I don’t think I’ve found what I should be doing with my life in this moment. I am of this strong belief that God will keep taking away things that don’t work for me because there are some hard lessons he’s trying to teach me. Honestly? I hate it. One day, with tears in my eyes, I had asked God if he’s trying to get me to kill myself, because he doesn’t want to kill me himself. My mother looked at me in horror while I screamed at God. She told me not to blaspheme, but when did asking your creator questions become blasphemy? I think Nigerian Christians are too “scared” of God. Nobody is telling you not to respect him, but if someone has said he is my heavenly father, then he will be on the receiving end of fatherly things and which present and loving father has never had to deal with their daughter asking them plenty questions? Exactly. I will ask jor, that’s just how God and I roll. Right now, I’m working in podcasting and trying to figure my life out in regards to my career. My best friend has been my rock in all of this and Eli (yes, favourite ex) is such a great support system. That’s why any small breakdown, I’ve driven to their house. Let me go and constitute a nuisance and sleep in their bed as though I don’t have my own.

Now, what next. Should we do romance? Business? Friendship? Let’s do business. I love my business. I’ve learnt so much about patience, trust and determination as a result of running it. It has tested me in ways I didn’t know was possible, but I want to believe I am winging it. From customers that’ll set your hopes high to influencers who refuse to influence to dispatch guys that have made me want to take my own life, I have seen it all. I have worked with impossible deadlines and even shipped to the USA. I am learning and growing and currently, I am cooking so many fun designs. We have a pride collection we launched for pride, and I really want people to buy what I am selling, but so far, nothing yet. I won’t give up sha, because no be one day dem use build Rome. The unbelievers will become believers and very soon, everyone will see the vision. Until then, I will keep pumping my money, my time, and the skills I have acquired into this business. When it becomes big, I don’t want you people to come and beg me. You can invest in @byiwade stocks now (shameless promo) before we become big. When I start doing custom designs for celebrities, I don’t want to hear PIM!

Something fun that happened to me this year was having to come out to my mum for the 100th time. Honestly, I didn’t even do this one. My mum was on the phone with my cousin and was trying to tell her to talk to me so I can change my stance on marriage, then my cousin goes “Aunty, you know Itohan doesn’t like men, right?” People of God, wahala in the land after that statement. As per, all the times I had told her, she thought I was joking. However, hearing it from my cousin really made it “true”. Then, my cousin and her siblings had meeting on my head, my grandma was involved, etc. Honestly, I don’t know how many members of my family are now aware and have discussed my sexuality, but at this point in my life? I don’t think I care as much. I am trying to stay alive, wetin concern me with what one Aunt in Benin thinks of my sexuality and sex life? Make everyone shift. I dey find 30m. Anyways, it put a strain on my mother and I’s already strained relationship. Like, I’m trying to navigate the fact that since my dad passed, I feel like my mother stopped being my mother, they now added sexuality problems? Who has the time for that? She hasn’t disowned me (yet) and my cousins now say things like “whoever you choose to love” to me (Gosh, I may be the black sheep true true), but she still somehow makes fun of the fact that I am single. Stresses me out, but what can I really do about it? Na single I single, I no kill person.

Speaking of single, I have realised I have zero strength for my friends in romantic relationships. Oh, you thought this paragraph was about MY love life? Nah. Eli has a gf and I have to hear “my girlfriend” from their mouth like 200 times a day and while I am so happy that they’re happy, I have to fight an eyeroll every single time. Like, fgs, can I hear word? Before you think this is jealousy because Eli and I are exes, I feel like this around ALL my friends in relationships. Maybe it’s because I’ve been single since 2022, but is it not too much? Any small things “my babe”, “my boyfriend”, “my lover”. Jor nau. Pity the people? Luckily for me but unluckily for her, my best friend and absolute love of my life is still single. However, I know it won’t be for long because she is so smart, talented, beautiful and sexy. Someone is coming to snatch my babe from my front, and I will have to be okay with it. One thing, I have learnt, is that I get very curt when my friends get into relationships. I don’t know how to explain it, but I try to keep my friendships separate from my love life. So, having to be around it constantly? Wetin be that. I’m neither prepared nor interested. That’s why when they get into relationships or start seeing people seriously, it becomes harder and harder for them to see me. I will start becoming scarce. It is especially worse when they’re seeing someone I do not particularly like or if it is a relationship I do not approve of. I won’t come over, I won’t text or call much, I will just remove myself from the situation. Why? Before I say I think my friend is dating nonsense and they go and report me to their partner. The two of them will now do pillow talk on how I am just bitter and jealous. Wo? I can kill someone.

Still on the topic of friendships, I have ended a couple of friendships this year. I think the funniest one was with someone who accused me of gaslighting her and when I told her to touch grass, she blocked me everywhere. Honestly, there’s more context and this is a summarised spark notes version of events, but it made me laugh so hard because from where to where? But, once again, I really do not have the strength for a lot of things. If she couldn’t see where I was coming from and since she refused to apologise, wetin man go do? I go kill myself for babe wey no be my gf? God forbid. That’s so razz. Then, as if I was not fighting enough demons and principalities, they took my friend to YENAFUCKINGGOA for law school. I crashed out so bad, people thought we were dating. As if I’d be able to pull her? Let us all be serious real quick. I am counting down the days till she comes back for externship and I’ll probably cry the next time I get to hug her. Every day, as Eli goes “my gf is so amazing”, I dey counter am with “I miss my Atinuke”. Aura for aura, abi how do the kids say it these days?

As for my mental health? That one is in shambles. Me wey dey craze on a daily? My mother has discovered I’m battling addiction so her prayers have increased and my best friend keeps trying to ginger me to go back to therapy. I have done none of those things, but God will see me through. I am, however, trying to take each day as it comes. Addiction is hard, but I want to believe my support system is harder. Their dads! (Since I don’t have my own). This is me saying I am struggling, but what’s life without a little struggle yunno?

We’re getting to the end now, so we’re going to leave with the banger of my romantic life. What has it been like? Pretty uneventful. I’ve blocked one person because they went ghost on me and it hurt like a mf. Like, yeah, I understand you’re going through a lot, but the same time it took you to repost 200 tiktoks, you could have sent a “hi, going through a lot rn. will be AWOL”. I’d understand, I’m not a monster. What I will not understand is ignoring my texts, missing my calls and all the other things. I spiralled, sent a long paragraph and blocked them everywhere. Do I miss them? Yeah. Do I wish they texted and apologised and asked to come back? Yeah. However, I will keep those thoughts to me and you. Will I cave and text them? Hopefully not. I need to be proud. Then, someone else blocked me everywhere because I told her her friend and I had history (bad) and I dislike her deeply. She asked we have a conversation about it and I begged her to move it to Sunday because I was busy with work on Friday and Saturday, just for me to open my Snapchat on a Saturday to a long ass message. Honestly? I don’t know what’s in the message. I replied with “okay, no problem” because I was on the verge of drunk, but as I wanted to read it, work happened (Like I knew it would, which was why I asked for the conversation to be moved), but guess what? I came back to find myself blocked on every social media app. Even TikTok my guy. Omo, is my character that bad? This is the 3rd person blocking me on TikTok this year. Mind you, my behaviour is better now than it was in 2022. Yet, me and wahala are still doing our thing.

Honey and I are still doing God knows what. Argue today, settle tomorrow, etc. One thing we have learnt about each other is that texting does not work for us. Heck, even calls. We need to jam and look each other eye to eye and talk (amongst other things). Spending time with her is always so amazing, but let us move to text and see how we’ll nearly bite each other’s heads off and not in the cutesy way. Some might say it is toxic, but we just figured out that communication that is not done in person where we cannot understand each other’s tone doesn’t work. What this means is that we text when we have to, but try to see each other once a week so we can talk about the important things. Crazy as it may sound, but their presence makes me feel good. Wahala I guess. On that note, I also met someone. Pretty recent and we’ve been getting to know each other, but I really like her. She’s a funny woman and I enjoy talking to her. She’s more of a caller than a texter, but I learnt she just likes the company. Great because I’m not really a phone person, but it’s nice to have someone there sometimes during the day. It allows for me to complete some tasks as I sometimes find it difficult to do things on my own. Am I in love? Nope. Do I like her? Yeah. Will I date her? Omo, ask me in August. Right now, all I can say is that spending time with her is nice and after every date, I look forward to the next one.

See how boring my romantic life is? That’s how you know I am very serious about this healing and keeping to myself thing. I just dey craze dey go lmao. Don’t worry, there’s more to say, but let’s end it here. Let’s use this as a refresher and a reminder that you may plan your year one way, and your year might end up going another way. I’m looking at all my New Year’s resolutions and the only one I have accomplished is attending at least 5 raves this year. Crazy yeah? Yeah.

I went to Ibadan with my husband, Fego, I got more involved in volunteer and NGO work, I made some new friends and enemies. All in all, 2025 is going one kind, but we still have six months left, and we know I can get into a lot of trouble in six months. Fego tells me I’m like a cat and if you leave me unsupervised, I get into random shit. I think it’s funny, but who knows what I will get into next? Maybe I’ll finally convince Ozzy Etomi and Imoteda that we’d make a great throuple and I am not too young for them, or I may pick up DJ work and start doing my own raves. No matter what life throws at me, I will try to adapt. Things may not be going my way now, and they may not even go my way tomorrow, but I promise to be as optimistic as possible and give each day my best, no matter what that best looks like. I think you should too. Till the next time, abi?