I'm Trying to Not be an Embarrassed Girl

Initially, I planned to make this newsletter every Saturday at 11 am, but here we are on a day that is not Saturday and on a time that is not 11 am because I can do whatever I want. Plus, I’ve been sitting on this one for a while and if I had to wait till Saturday, I just might burst.

Last week, my friends had an intervention for me. They kept trying to reassure me that I did not need to run away every time I had a problem and they were there for me. It was a very emotional moment that led to me crying inside my beans and pap but I am grateful I listened and decided to talk. I’ve been fighting demons and my friends are now fighting them right beside me. It’s nice to not have to fight alone, especially now that I am going through one of the worst heartbreaks I have dealt with in years. Your babe is collapsing and having anxiety attacks for breakfast, but she’ll be alright, or I at least hope so. If not, I have a file in a psychiatric hospital and I will be running that shit back.

Anyways, while talking to my friends, I realised that one of the things that held me back from sharing with them was embarrassment. I was worried they would mock me. They’ve never done that to me before, but when you observe society, you realise we’ve been conditioned to villainize vulnerability and “weakness” and honestly, it is disgusting. People just woke up one day and said any form of vulnerability that comes from a certain sect of people should be mocked. I could go on and on about how it’s all related to desirability, fuckability, class politics and all the other not-so-fun stuff, but they’ll say Itohan is doing it again. However, have you noticed that if a woman who has been deemed desirable comes to make a thread on how she finds it hard to find romantic love and she’s looking for a partner it will be met with much less vitriol than a woman who they have decided is not as desirable? Okay, hold on to that thought for me, I’m still cooking.

Now, when these people who are not as desired, popular or rich come online to talk about the things they have struggled with people will come like ants to sugar and project. “Should have left this in the drafts”, “Even the FBI can’t get this information out of me”, “Bring back shame”, but why? Because you think they should be embarrassed? Why? Embarrassment is not real! Who came up with it anyways and who made you the embarrassment police? Nobody!

It also doesn’t end at just emotionally vulnerable moments; your dress getting stained while you’re on your period, tripping and falling in public, spilling food on someone by accident, etc. Every day things that can happen to every single one of us at varying points make you embarrassed. Why?

It took me a while, but I have learnt that if people are projecting onto you, it is not your shame to wear. If you tell yourself “This will not bother me”, it really can’t. It’s not an easy thing to do but it’s something you and I need to embrace. People have gone to extreme lengths for fear of being shamed and embarrassed for things that should really not be that deep. You hear stories of people committing murder, fraud, and aggravated assault because they are scared something “embarrassing” would come to light. It’s a terrible culture we have created for ourselves but I know it’s not too late to fix it.

Today’s media is a movie called “You Again”. It’s the story of a girl, Marni who comes to town for her brother’s wedding only to find out that her brother is marrying the babe that bullied her when she was in high school. Turns out, however, that she’s not the only one whose bully or arch nemesis will be making a return. Will the wedding hold or will it be an absolute disaster? That, my dear, is something you have to see for yourself.

I felt a lot of “secondhand embarrassment” while watching this movie and it spawned the majority of this conversation on embarrassment. I had a lot of quotes I wanted to share, but they’re in the DMs of someone I can’t really speak to and I don’t have the emotional strength to open WhatsApp and cry nonstop for another six hours. I’m sorry but pray for me to feel better so I can take a break from fighting demons.