I Am Just a Jealous Girl

It may be a New Year, but I’m still on my same bullshit. I am inconsistent with the newsletter, serially depressed and still unable to write a proper introduction. I want to say I’ll change this year, but I do not want to make promises I am unable to keep. However, I can promise that this newsletter will be filled with serious oversharing because honestly, that’s what I do best.

Something I realised in the early hours of 2026 is that I am an extremely jealous person. No, the kind of jealousy that is reserved for partners and romantic relationships. This one is deeper and more consuming, it is driving me insane and I heard the first step to move on is acceptance so I am going to tell you about the things that fuel this jealousy.

I am jealous of people who have not had to deal with as much loss as I have. My father died in May of 2024 and even though I want to move on, I am finding it almost impossible to do so. I have dreams and nightmares, my relationship with my mother is fucked probably beyond repair and I am in a kind of pain that I cannot vocalise without choking on my tears. Since my father fell sick, my life has not been okay. Before he fell sick, my life was holding on for dear life, but his sickness plus his death drove me to a place I never knew existed. I thought I had gotten to the rock bottom and I was trying so hard to be comfortable there because I did not see myself coming out of it. However, God laughed at me and decided there were lower places to go than where I was, and so my grandfather died in December of 2025. I remember when they told me he passed and I was wearing an outfit out boyfriend at the time gave me. When they told me, I just went to lay down and rest. I was tired and I refused to go through the entire mourning process again. I ditched from my family because I needed to suppress emotions.

Death is evil and wicked and every time it finds new ways to ruin my life. I have work, trauma from my dad passing and many more things to deal with but yet, here I am, trying to plan a burial and deal with grief. I am jealous of everyone that does not know what it is like to have your world flipped upside down because someone is dead. I am jealous of people who do not have to deal with the nightmares and the pain and the suffering. I am jealous of people who go about their day without having random panic attacks stopping them on the main road because they saw someone who looked like their late father. I am jealous of people who do not have to worry about waking up at 2am with tears in your eyes and an inability to speak because you had yet another anxiety attack in your sleep. I am so ridiculously jealous of people who death has not made bitter. I am jealous of those that handled it better than I currently am. I will give anything to have my father and grandfather here with me.

A week or so after my grandpa died, my boyfriend broke up with me. Before the relationship, I had given up on entering a relationship in 2025. I was content or at least trying to be content with ending another year single. Then, they walked into my life with a crush and some crazy promises. I found myself planning a life with someone. We talked about marriage and living together and all the other stupid stuff people in love with talk about. I was absolutely smitten but then you know how these things go. I’d forever say the way they broke up with me was so deeply unkind and people who say they were in love with you should never breakup with you in that manner, but they said they don’t owe me kindness because they had gotten to their limit. I understand that. My actions and inactions hurt, but something that I do not think I had fully wrapped my head around was why whenever I ask they tell me they can’t explain my behaviour to me anymore and that I refuse to get it. Then they tell me they are emotionally overwhelmed or tired or exhausted but they were the one that reached out to me in the first place. Every time they text me or call me it leaves me more frustrated than before because I get zero clarity and no answers, just more talk about how I never get it and they’re tired of making me see it because it keeps triggering them. I am all for people prioritising their peace and wellbeing, but it is exhausting. I am jealous of people who are not exhausted. Should I stop picking their calls or entertaining them? Yes. Will I stop? No. Why? Because I love them and I miss them and I will take any form of communication they gave me. Is that pitiful? I think so.

I am jealous of people who found their people and are happy in relationships. I am jealous of people who are happy in love with someone who made promises and kept them. I am jealous of people who did not have their person abandon them when they needed them the most. I am jealous of people who are dating people who understand them, not just people who pretend to understand. I am jealous of people who know what it is like to not feel like they are too much for the person they are with. I am jealous of people who are in love and have been in love for so long. I am jealous of people who love never took their spark or their joy. I am insanely jealous of them because I just want to be understood and loved and treated with consideration and care. I am not perfect, and I have never pretended to be, but I wish I was given a chance to be a human being and I am jealous of those that are.

On the last day or the day before the last day of 2025, I tried to kill myself. I didn’t even bother to write a note or anything, just prayed for forgiveness from my loved ones and attempted. Did it work? No, duh. Did I spend the bulk of my time after then throwing up? Yes, yes I did. Am I happy it did not work? No, I am not. Every day that my eyes are open and I get to see another day, I despise it. Every day I have to force myself to go to bed and battle nightmares and anxiety attacks, I hate it. Every day I throw up because anxiety means I can’t keep my food down, I am in despair. I spend every waking moment on Earth wishing I was not on it. I spend every day wondering why God is punishing me with existence. I am tired.

I am filled with jealousy when I meet people who are happy about life. I have been passively suicidal for the bulk of my life with my first ever attempt on my life happening before I was 10. You could ask yourself why someone that hadn’t even entered secondary school yet would try to kill herself, but I can only tell you it is because I am sad. There is a sadness that follows me day in and day out. There is a pain in my chest that does not go down no matter how many bottles I drink and I am jealous of people that do not have to deal with that. Even as I write this newsletter, I am thinking and trying to plot new ways to kill myself and I am jealous of people who do not have thoughts like that at the forefront of their mind. I am jealous of people who do not have triggers that make them hurt themselves. I am jealous of people who live life with hope and the belief that it is going to be a good life. I am jealous because I did not have a good life, and I am jealous because I may never have a good life.

I do not remember the last time I had a 9-5. Severe mental illness and suicidal tendencies make it difficult to keep a job. Add in random bouts of mania and I feel like I never stood a chance. I used to really like working and I used to really adore my business but right now sales are slow and the few orders I got, I had to refund the majority of them because I cannot function. The ex boyfriend and I had plans for the business but now I am alone and I do not want to do anything. I am writing this newsletter from my bed because I just cannot stand up. I love my friends and they’re amazing support but I shared parts of myself with ex because I thought they’d get me and understand me and now I have even stronger trust issues and I do not want to bring anyone into the things I am doing anymore. I just want the business to die a natural death. I have given up.

I am jealous of people who have 9-5s and are good at it. I am jealous of people who have a stable source of income and people who have businesses that are thriving. I am jealous of people who are not failures and people who know what they are doing with their lives. I am jealous of people who can actually function and do not spend all day in bed crying their eyes out. I am jealous of people who do not deal with dysfunction and do not consider showering a herculean task. I am jealous of people who have dreams and aspirations about their career and business. They say is the hope that kills, I think it is watching other people be hopeful that’ll kill you first. It is already killing me.

I love my friends and they mean so much to me. They have held me down in so many ways and I will never be able to fully repay them for everything that they have done for me. I will never be able to put into words how much care and softness they’ve wrapped me around and I will never forget it all. However, I feel like my friends pity me more than they love me. They are aware of just how fucked up my life is and as such, they don’t want me to croak and die. I just wish they’d ask me to hangout more often, that they’d call and fill me in on their life in regards to things that aren’t about me trying to kill myself. I wish they were not spending every moment with their partners so I could hang out with my people who are not just one half of a couple.

I am jealous of people who do not live far away from their friends. I am jealous of people whose friends stage interventions and meddle into their lives. I am jealous of people who exist wholly and fully within their friend groups. I am jealous of people who have friends that can physically hold them, friends who understand that you are more than the persona you created. I am jealous of people who will be chosen as Chief bridesmaids and selected for matching outfits. I am jealous of people who do not feel like their actions are begging for love. I am jealous of friendships that look beyond our personal struggles and extend into a relationship and community. My father would tell me that 5 friends cannot be together for 5 years, but honestly I’ll take just one friend a year. As long as there is no loneliness. I am so jealous of people that are not lonely because I have been lonely all my life.

I don’t think there’s anything else to say for now. Maybe I am writing this here so the next time someone asks me how I am, I will just forward this newsletter to them. So that when one of my attempts finally clicks, nobody will lie and say I was happy. I was not. I am not full of life, I am not hopeful. All I feel is intense jealousy and it is swallowing me up from the inside. I feel jealousy that cannot be separated from me because it has fused to strongly into my bones and it has infiltrated my blood stream. I am deeply unhappy, resentful and jealous and I’d say I want it to go away, but I do not think it can. It will follow me to my grave and maybe then, with jealousy as company, I’ll finally stop feeling lonely and will finally be at peace.