I'm Just a Heartbroken Lover Girl

I hate having to deal with heartbreak and I think it's because I don't particularly get my heart broken often. Maybe it's because I never get myself attached enough to actually have to worry about it. I've cried because there's something they did for me that I don't have anyone to do anymore, I've cried because they ghosted me a day before I could ghost them, I've cried because of many reasons, but very few of the tears have been because my heart was broken.

Unfortunately for me, this is the one with the broken heart and boy, is it broken. I think with every couple of actions I re-break the heart. Writing this newsletter in fact, means re-breaking my heart because they came up with the name and I send it to them before I publish it because I liked that they got to read it before you did. I'm a little sappy girl, especially when I'm in love with someone but my God, dealing with heartbreak is brutal.

I've been described as many things by the people who have been unfortunate enough to fall in love with me, and one of such things is flighty. I'm a Gemini Venus (yes, I will blame astrology), so what did they really expect? In my longest relationship, they always told me that they were scared because I never seemed to want to settle down, but I met this person and for the first time in my stupidly short life, I did. I was 22 and planning the rest of my life with someone, and guess what? Lmao. You know the rest. Itohan is now a bumbling ridiculous mess. Sometimes I consider myself an idiot, but I'm trying to be nicer to myself.

I used to tell them they're my karma for all the people I've hurt, so maybe that's really true, because wow. Your girl can't eat, keeps throwing up, can't see straight, and can't function well. I have a permanent line on both sides of my face because the tears pass the road of my cheeks a bit too often. The breakup happened weeks ago, but it's new every morning. I think it's because I had hope. A part of me, however small, believed that we would work, but what's that thing they say about believing and hope? Yeah, it's what kills.

Anyways, I don't hate them. God forbid anyone thinks I do. I'm mourning the love we had, the one I have and the one we didn't get a chance to have. I have loved them for many months and will love them for an eternity after. I just wish it didn't hurt as much, yunno? People keep saying to protect your peace and protect your heart but they never give any actual solutions on how to do these things. How do you detach? How do you heal? How do you move on? How do you stop yourself from telling them you're in love with them every single day? How do you pretend it doesn't hurt when you replay every memory you have of them? How do you act knowing you'll never be able to kiss or hug them ever? I don't know how these things work and I've been asking so I don't think anyone knows either. I think some people are just better at pretending than others. I've never been a pretender and I don't think I'll start now, so it's unfortunately written all over me and now I took it a step further and it's written in this newsletter too.

Sometimes, it's easier when you feel like you're not the only one suffering, that it hurts the other person just as much as it hurts you, but honestly it may not hurt the other person. They may be able to live their life as though you never left.

I think it's funny that when we started talking they asked me “What'll happen if I fall in love with you?” and I told them we'd grow together in love. I should have asked them what'll happen if they fell out of love with me. Maybe I'd have had a chance to work this through. Do you know what that reminds me of? Achilles and Patroclus. Patroclus had years to prepare for the loss of Achilles. Doesn't mean it would have been easier, but it means he would have been somewhat prepared. I think my lover was prepared for me to move crazy. We both somehow thought I'd be the one to leave, so when the turn tabled, I was so caught unawares by all of it and I don't know how to act. I have carved a space in my heart for this person and now they no longer want to be there, so now I will fill that hole with misshapen things, because none of those things will be Hassan because it is a hole only them can fill.

What do you learn from this? That love is hard and nobody really knows what they're doing. Like sometimes, the feelings are there and suddenly they're no more and you're left with fragments of promises and dreams and a broken person to put together again. But take pride in the fact that it means you loved and you love. My best friend says you've not met all the people who'll love you in your lifetime. I know. I'll meet a lot of amazing people in my life and they'll rock my world, but right now, I want to meet one person, and they don't want to meet me in return. So I'll cry about it until the tears stop and hurt until my heart starts to heal.

Red White and Royal Blue (Movie)

I used to say that the book helped my relationship with Hassan start. I think it's funny that the movie comes out at the end of said relationship. We were to watch it together, but I ended up watching it alone. It was a great movie but my goodness was it tough watching what seems to be my love life on screen. When Alex showed up in London because he wanted Henry to say the shit to his face and this dialogue ensued.

I had to take many breathers because I could swear we'd had a similar conversation with me being the Alex in the situation. Honestly, Henry reminds me so much of my lover. Lots of duty to man and country and sometimes an inability to see you as more than some “carefree person without any responsibilities”. Both of them are also avoidant little shits who think “isolating is best in the situation” and hardly ever express what it is they think. I think the main difference is that Henry asked for patience, I wish they asked. I'd have waited for as long as they needed to. Sure, it's a little selfish to ask someone to “wait for you”, but love is patient, love is kind, love is there and all you have to do is ask for it.

Watch the Red White and Royal Blue movie because sometimes you need some cheesy gay romance in your life. For when you want to giggle, swing your feet in the air, and go “Father, when will it be my turn”. Then when you're done, read the book and start feeling all the feelings all over again.

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